One of my first friends at seminary was a young woman whose father was a pastor in a very conservative "Bible-based" type denomination. She had since become much more theologically progressive and that's why she was at the seminary I was attending (Claremont School of Theology).
I haven't seen that friend in a very long time, but one thing about her I'll never forget was her telling me how, when she was a little girl, her father would tell stories from the Bible after dinner. This was her usual evening entertainment, which makes sense as her dad was a "Bible-based" kind of guy (and apparently the church he pastored didn't have a lot of night meetings….).
In any case, she told me her favorite story always was the one "about the guy who stabs the fat king and he's so fat his fat closes in over the guy's hand and the end of his sword, and then all the king's poo comes out." That's the Bible story she wanted her dad to tell over and over again, the story of Ehud and King Eglon, found at Judges 3:15-25.
This may or may not be a story with which you are familiar. (Being a little facetious here - you probably have never heard of it, although by now are becoming immensely curious.)
In a nutshell, this story features a young, courageous and, apparently, left-handed Israelite hero named Ehud. In my previous blog I (and Dr. Walter Wink) noted that in the ancient world a person's left hand was, essentially, their toilet paper; nothing else was ever, and was never, to be done with it. Too bad for that rule, because when the Israelites were experiencing intense persecution by the Moabites and their awful, and awfully fat, King Eglon, Ehud comes to the rescue. He brings a "gift" to the king and a secret message; everyone but his Highness must scatter. Once all are out of sight Ehud whips out his sword in a most unexpected (ie left-handed) manner and stabs the king just as my friend, and Judges 3:21-22, describe it.
To add to the story's sophomoric goings-on, after the King has been slain and lies lifeless in a pool of his own fat and poo, his servants dutifully wait patiently (and stupidly) outside the door, assuming he's just taking a very long time to "relieve himself" ...and giving Ehud plenty of time to escape. Ha ha ha ha ha.
You can hardly believe such narratives are in the Bible, technically on par with Psalm 23, the Beatitudes and 1 Corinthians 13. However, perhaps the function of this Judges 3 text, and maybe the whole of the Book of Judges, is to entertain the kids, especially young teens, who would find such low-brow and lurid stories spellbinding and something to look forward to after a long hard day in the fields or on the road. Not unlike my friend, who couldn't wait to hear it again and again.
The Book of Judges is filled with all sorts of bizarre stories, many of which deserve their own "Comic Lens" blog entry. While many of these stories (especially the final one in Chapter 19, a beyond-horrific story of the gang-raping and dismemberment of a concubine whose body-parts are then delivered to each of Israel's tribes) are often avoided at all cost by well-meaning pastors and self-respecting contemporary Bible-readers or categorized as "Texts of Terror" (see Dr. Phyllis Trible's groundbreaking and heartbreaking work here) demanding we wrestle with the how's and why's such perversions could be included in a narrative about a God who is Love, maybe their real purpose was to keep the youth enthusiastically engaged with the Bible when all the good, nice stuff started to bore them. I think you'll agree that's a pretty sacred (miraculous?) task....
Just a thought.
And here's a wacky little song about Eglon by Matt Blick. May it bring out your inner pre-teen.
(In case you're straining - pun intended - to understand the lyrics through Matt's adorable British accent, here they are:
Back in the day when the Bible was thin
Israel was conquered by a heavyweight King
So they prayed for a saviour who was able to fight
Big-bellied Eglon the Moabite.
Well, Ehud was the man God chose
He made a little sword & hid it in his clothes
Said King I got a message to whisper to you
Then in went the sword & out came the poo because he
Stabbed him in the belly & his poo came out
Stabbed him in the belly & his poo came out
Stabbed him in the belly & his poo came out
Squishy, squashy poo.
Ehuds sword stuck in his guts
But the kings flabby belly just covered it up
He shut the doors & then he ran back home
Before anyone saw what hed done.
The servants said phew, whats that stink?
The king is on the toilet thats what I think.
But when they opened up the door
There lay Eglon dead on the floor because he
Stabbed him in the belly & his poo came out.
Ehud blew the trumpet & he said its war!
And the Moabites ran as people grabbed their swords
And as they fought they all sang this song,
Do you want to know what Ehud did to King Eglon?
I'll tell you, he
Stabbed him in the belly & his poo came out
Well the flabby baddie didnt get a chance to shout
Cos he stabbed him in the belly & his poo came out
And if youre wondering what this song is really all about...
Its squishy, squashy, (give you hands a washy!)
Squishy, squashy poo.
Judges 3:12 - 30 (ESV)
© Matt Blick Grace Church Nottingham 2005.)
