Below is a sketch I wrote with my partner Natalia Peterson for a recent "Bible Cabaret." It seems like a great way for the Comic Lens to say "Happy Valentines Day!" So...Happy Valentines Day! Thanks, Natalia and Dave, for performing this with me!
BIBLICALLY-BEDDED BLISS with Dr. Dave
Dr. Dave: Good Evening Ladies and Gentlemen and welcome to "Biblically-Bedded Bliss" with me, Dr. Dave. Ya know, there has been so much focus recently on what constitutes God-ordained, biblically-based traditional marriage. So, I thought it would be helpful to bring to you today some real experts on the topic. If anyone can set the record straight, our next guests can! That's because they come to us fresh from the pages of our Good Book, that's right….one of our favorite, most famous, most romantic and, best of all, most faithful couples of them all….let's hear it for….Rachel and Jacob! Rachel and Jacob!
[Rachel comes out. No Jacob]
Rachel: Hi Doctor Dave!
Dr. Dave: No Jacob? You two have a lover's quarrel?
Rachel: No, he's just finishing up in the conception tent with my sister, Leah. His other wife.
Dr. Dave: Oh, that's right. There's two of you!
Leah: [from offstage.] Get me some salve. I need salve! I'm awfully chafed!
Rachel: That's Leah.
Leah: [Leah walks in, overly disheveled and very gingerly, in a bit of pain.] Who put chili peppers in Jacob's humus? Holy Moly, it's worse than oysters! I thought he'd never stop!!
Dr. Dave: Well, I guess Leah needs no introduction….
Leah: [trying to sit down]: What does he take me for, an angel to wrestle with all night? Sheesh! He needs more than a hip taken out!
Rachel: Ya know, Lay, I have just the thing for you. This is the latest thing for your troubles. Anti-chafing, anti-itch, pure lube. It's a dream! And ya know, the BEST thing about it is you can apply it as a primer on your face before putting on your foundation. 20 cents on the shekel compared to those expensive primers in the finest department tents!
Leah: Aw thanks, dear. Ya know I'm just as happy with plain old udder cream.
Rachel: But you've been really working hard, you deserve something a little special.
Leah: Got that right! I just dropped another one, that makes six! I don't know anymore if my uterus is coming or going!
Dr. Dave: That's right! Leah, you've born Jacob six sons and Rachel, you've born him how many?
Rachel: None, yet. I just can't get him to stop looking at me, he's so entranced by my beauty that's all he wants to do every night we're together. I tell him I'm ready for action, I'm ready to be a good traditional, biblically based God-ordained wife and bear him sons, and all he does is stare. You may think I enjoy being beautiful, but I DO NOT. IT'S SHEOL! [Starts to weep.]
Leah: Ya know doll, next time it's your turn, you might think of blowing out the candles. In the dark, he won't know who you are.
Rachel: Hey, that's a great idea!
Dr. Dave: Now ladies, you are both married to Jacob?
Both: Uh huh.
Dr. Dave: And how does that work?
Leah: How does it work for just about every other family around here, Esau for example? The guy marries plenty of women because you just can't bear enough sons.
Rachel: That's love, Biblically based, God-ordained traditional style!
Dr. Dave: Now Jacob, though, at first really loved you, Rachel, the moment he laid eyes on you and he wanted you and you alone. Right?
Rachel: Yes, that's true. Those were beautiful days. He gave me the prettiest ring for my nose…..
Dr. Dave: And Jacob worked for your Dad Laban for seven long years in order to have your hand in marriage. But then on your supposed wedding night Jacob comes into the consummation tent ….
Leah: And there I was. My dad made me do it. Have him first. So that Energizer Bunny in there would work for Dad 7 more years for Raitch's hand for free, which would also would pay off all those yoga classes I'd been taking. Made me very stretched.
Dr. Dave: And Rachel, weren't you jealous that your sister got to have your Jacob before you did?
Rachel: Oh of course! I cried and cried and cried…and then I discovered…the household idols. They do wonders when you sit on them! Got me through those seven years of waiting like it was just a day!
Dr. Dave: So the two of you are happily married to Jacob?
Leah and Rachel: Sure
Dr. Dave: And you have six sons
Leah and Rachel: [together] TEN!
Dr. Dave: What?
Rachel: I actually have two and Lay has eight.
Dr. Dave: I thought you said….
Leah: Well yes, but that's not counting the additional sub wives….Bilhah and Zilpah.
They've conceived two sons each.
Rachel: But we get to claim them as ours!
Leah: Yup, they're our handmaids so they fill in for us when we've got headaches.
Rachel: Or we can't decide if our favorite color is yellow or green…they go in for us all the time. They have to.
Leah: We OWN them!
Rachel: We got them at a very good price. 20 cents on the shekel….
Dr. Dave: Now this seems like a very unusual biblically based, God-ordained traditional family….
[BEAT as Leah and Rachel look at one another]
Leah & Rachel: Compared to what?
Dr. Dave: You know, one man and one woman….
Leah & Rachel: [bursting out laughing] You gotta be kidding me! Whaat? That's the craziest thing I've ever heard, etc.
Leah: Nobody has that kind of stamina!
Rachel: Nobody has enough salve!
Leah: Oh no. Oh oh oh no. I think I just felt it.
Rachel: Don't tell me you're pregnant again!
Leah: No no no it's not the pregnancy I just felt…it's the hot flash. I'm getting a hot flash. I might just be done! The lower level is closing up shop. Holy moly if summer in the desert isn't sheol enough….
Rachel: I have a nice menthol….
Leah: Later on the lotion. You know what this means Raitch….we need a new handmaid! We need someone to pick up the slack.
[Rachel & Leah start looking into the audience, joshing with them.]
Rachel: How about you? You look like you have good hips!
Leah: Or you! You have nice eyes…hah! You'll remind him of me….better be careful or you'll be needing the udder cream soon, too!
Dr. Dave: [Suddenly uncomfortable] I think we're out of time, ladies, can you take your discussion elsewhere?
Rachel: Sure. [To the selected ladies in the audience] Why don't you meet us after the show for the true test of the biblically-based God-ordained traditional wife…
Leah: Or handmaid.
Dr. Dave: What's that?
Rachel: Why, it's how well does she play bridge? That's how we wives and sub wives pass the time when Jacob's sleeping!
Leah: Yup, there's always time for a rubber….
Rachel: Of bridge! That's of course the only Biblical-based, God-ordained, traditional use for that word.
Dr. Dave: Okay then! Thanks a lot, ladies! Stay tuned next week when our guest is Tamar who'll show us some of the latest looks for when you want to disguise yourself as a temple prostitute so your father-in-law will sleep with you when your husband dies and his brother won't marry you. All on….BIBLCALLY-BEDDED BLISS. Goodnight everybody!
